I got married last year November so my experience is still quite raw. It all started when I had a conversation with my mum about my surprise engagement. We had a conversation over the phone, I was explaining to her how loved I felt and all she could say was she hated my dress cause it was too short. I took that comment as oh ok maybe she was right, and the dress I picked was too short (the dress was knee length).

So right when I start wedding planning I had this whole idea that when I had any problems I could just give her a call and she would help me troubleshoot or counsel me through decision making. Boy was I wrong! Every time we talked it turned into a heated discussion on How I shouldn’t have a wedding and I should just got to the registry, sign the papers and have KFC for dinner. She made comments like this pretty often every time we talked. At first I shrugged off her comments because I didn’t want our conversations to escalate. However, overtime these comments got to me… I started to feel like maybe I don’t deserve the wedding celebration I wanted after all and maybe we should just sign the papers and get it over and done with. This sent me spiralling, I talked to my fiancee about it and he was absolutely shocked that my mum had been saying this to me for the last couple months. He sat me down that night and asked me ‘how do you want to get married?’ I responded ‘we’ll just go sign the papers and that’s it…’ to which he said ‘I didn’t ask for your mums opinion, I asked for yours’. I immediately burst into tears and for the first time ever in my life I felt completed heard. We talked until about 5am the next morning about what we envisaged our wedding to look like and what we wanted to wear, we figured that we wanted a pretty big wedding and we were going to pay for it ourselves.

I start the planning process and the first task was to secure a venue, we view about 3 venues which all are ok but not what I was looking for. We wanted an outdoor wedding with a marquee type reception which we found and booked but of course we wanted to run this through our mums, so we did and my fiancées mum was awesome she was very supportive and wanted what made us both happy. My mum really liked the venue too, that day I set the meeting up with the coordinator and also listed down a bunch things I wanted to ask while we were there, my mum didn’t like that, she kept asking me infront of my fiancée and his mum if this was a decision I was making alone and that I was asking too much questions. I felt quite embarrassed to be honest cause it was like she was talking to a little child, my fiancée and his mum were standing there very awkwardly. So I shrug it off and continue talking to the coordinator because if I paid attention to my mum it would only become worst.

So a few months later my fiancée and I managed to sort everything out for our wedding. For some context we’re both Tongan (Island in the South Pacific) and we work fairly good jobs so we were able to pay for our wedding ourselves. So for Tongan weddings there is an exchange of goods between our two families, this event is usually done by the parents of the couple. Leading up to the wedding I didn’t want to have this exchange because I knew that it would put a lot of financial strain on both families, but as Tongans it’s customary and it had to happen. So leading up to this, my mum would constantly tell me that I should pay for it all cause it’s my wedding and it was my fault that it had become so big. I think at this point it was the worst, it was almost every second day that I was hearing why are you having a big wedding? Just go sign some papers and get it done, you’re always stressing us out and so on. This completely shattered me mentally, I had to take a whole week of work just to stay home, all the stress kinda caught up with me and I just couldn’t stop crying, I just felt like I was doing it all alone, I had my fiancée there supporting me which was awesome but my family were totally absent the entire time, and when they did come around it was always about how much stress I was putting them in. I bounced back from it and carried on, the exchange happens and my fiancé and I choose to not be present. It all goes well and both families are happy with their gifts.

We get married a few days after the exchange and it was beautiful I absolutely loved our wedding it ran smoothly it was fun, our guest had an awesome time and even my mum! However, every time I think about our wedding I’m left with this traumatising feeling that is triggered by my mum, I hate how this amazing event for me and my husband is almost a traumatising memory for me, it reminds me of all the upsetting things that happened with me and my mum rather than the start of our marriage.

You are very welcome Louisa – this post was originally shared in September 2016 – let’s hope the original author get’s to ready your reply – and what a lovely reply it is too. Much love, Annabel xXx

You are welcome Anon, I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time, we really truly do sympathise. I hope this article continues to provide you with some comfort.
With much love,
Annabel xXx